glitch25

I've discovered something about myself...

I spend a lot of time waiting. Deliberately...

I think as a consequence of the fact that I'm introverted, I have for most of my life pinned a lot of importance on consideration of others and the inclusion of others in lots of things I do, and in many ways, over my own considerations and inclusion, and definitely to my own detriment.

I wait to do certain activities because I don't always want to be the one to initiate the process, or I don't want to do the activity alone.

I wait for approval..

I wait for things to change..

I wait for input...

I wait for a sign that I'm not having to resign myself to fending entirely for myself.

Part of understanding the issue with that waiting has also revealed the understanding that I am waiting in a self-imposed vacuum. What I mean by that is that, again probably tied to my tendency to be introverted, I shy away from leading the charge and inviting folks along. Instead I tend to wait around and have very non-committal conversations about things that "should" happen that I then don't follow up with a definitive action plan like, "Hey, let's do this thing NOW" or "Let's get this one the calendar for this date" or even "Can you find time for me in your schedule to do this thing with me?"

The lack of that realization until recently has meant a lot of frustration, longing, and sometimes loss, and I've put a lot of that outwardly when in fact, I'm the primary cause. It has lead to me being frustrated that I've felt that folks weren't willing to follow through or show initiative, which is ironic considering that initiative and follow-through on my part would solve most of those situations.

I know there is a part too that feels like I don't want to always be the one taking the initiative or being the leader. And I think there are legitimate situations where that may apply, but I don't know that it is fair to use that as a reason to be discouraged. Especially when I can see definitively the difference that happens when I "take a chance" and do the legwork.

I've been finding this month to be the beginning of my Spring cleaning, and I have been contemplating how to adjust some of these expectations and how to feel more satisfied with myself and my life, and there has been a lot of introspection about things that keep me from being happy, and trying to understand what I can do to improve these things.

I found that since last summer, I had put a lot of things on hold in order to cope with the enormous amount of change that occurred for me, and I fell into a "survival mode" of sorts in order to just keep moving. I've been taking stock of where I am and the nature of all those changes and trying to find ways to improve my situation and feel like I'm less at the mercy of the random stray breeze.

It feels good to have some change that I am initiating rather than only coping with change that comes towards me.

I know that change will be a slow process in some cases, since recognition is only the first step, but I know what I need to do.

And I'm not going to be waiting as much any more.

I keep meaning to post. But some days I just feel like I lack the motivation to throw together just a small update.. I forget that it ultimately doesn't matter.. I don't need to collect a lot of things to make it a "better post". This is here for me to do with it as I will. And I should will better things for myself.

That said, lots of little things, since I've been remiss in posting them as they come to me.

Home automation progresses. I use OpenHAB running on a Raspberry Pi with a Zwave controller, and I'm able to control a lot of the lighting in our personal areas via an internal web interface. Never been big on the completely-remote-cloud idea of having that kind of control, but I figure I can VPN into the house and do that sort of thing if I like. I just finally got my overhead light working in my bedroom. It is a silly thing, but there is something to be said for being able to turn off your light without getting out of bed. I've also been working on some All-Off macros that allow us to turn off all the area lights with one button. That is kinda nice when you're running out the door. I'm getting ready to venture into IoT, but I need to build out the routing and firewall exceptions to allow those things to work on our guest network without running the risk of data leaking into or from our private network. More stuff to do.

Along the lines of our network, I finally did get a guest network built working on an independent and segregated VLAN allowing us to offer internet access to visitors as needed. It is where all the IoT crap will live as well. And I recently expanded yet again our 5ghz footprint by installing another access point in the basement. Ubiquity really makes it easy, and the locally run controller makes it fun to monitor and manage. Feels good to have rock-solid throughput all throughout the house, and to be able to have segregated access. I am happy with the products and really thrilled with the ease to set up.

I, my two sweeties, and lots of other friends and folks have joined a musical accountability group on Facebook where we have committed to practicing our craft for a given time allotment per day. It has helped me with motivation, and given me a way to focus my needs, musically. I've decided it's time to finally learn another Gershwin Prelude (Number 1), and I have some other things I'm working on as well on piano. I've also been working more on bass, and as soon as space allows, there will be a drum set to contend with. :-)

Epiphany has passed.. And the tree and decorations are still up. I suspect they will remain that way until closer to my birthday. I've really enjoyed having it up, and I'm going to miss it significantly. I may consider making alternate holiday-relevant decorating arrangements as we go throughout the year.

Along with the timing, I think some of the next big house plans will be to appropriately trim and deal with the yard. The poor roses have gone without care, and the poor rhodie next to the house has turned into an unhappy tree. We also discovered some leaks on the deck that we need to address, and it would be good to get things better organized out there.

Still plenty to do inside. I've been making efforts to chip away at the remaining box piles. We've mostly entered the phase where most of the day-to-day stuff is unpacked and in use, but still finding the not-often-used things still squirreled away, and trying to figure out where we left them. I think we're on the cusp of a major kitchen initiative as well to both consolidate and review our combined bounty and decide if we're storing or purging. And there are still lots of boxes scattered about that we have to make decisions about. The entry room that leads to our bedrooms is still rather cluttered, and we're going to be working towards making that a better place to hang out and to have some space to exist. And then there is the art room.... and the basement....

Speaking of the basement, my previous budgeting efforts have netted us a tidy sum with which to replace our old couches that have found their way into our second family room in the basement. The plan will be to replace two with a sectional. I'm looking forward to having the space be more friendly to guests, and have plans for movie nights! Stay tuned!

Lessee.... Music accountability group aside, I'm still mostly viewing Facebook from a distance.. I am occasionally participating on friend's posts, but generally only posting content here, on Twitter, and on Instagram. I've had some additional tugs towards MeWe recently, but I think some of what I'm avoiding is the overall format of how Facebook does social media, and MeWe is a good clone, which makes MeWe unappealing in that way. I may post this post on Facebook in effort to remind folks to come on over to the dark side here.

Health wise, things seem mostly ok. I finally got my insurance settled out from the new job, and got a physical squared away. I still need to finish up some of the routing labwork, but things seem to be mostly ok. Winter weather has dried me out again, and my hands are on their unending peel. Lotion is helping some. I'm also using that liquid skin product to make sure I keep cuts and splits handled. My usual callouses and splits get much worse in winter, and I'm hoping to make it better this time around. Still dealing with lots of sniffles and congestion on a somewhat regular basis. I'm reasonably convinced that I've finally lost my immunity to the local vegetation and my body seems rather content to ride the wave of irritation on it. Still happy that my sinus headaches are few and mild in general. I've also been considering a food sensitivity fast in efforts to see if I'm finding issues with anything. My body has been less than fond of something lately, and I'm hoping to narrow down what it might be. Also hoping to make some efforts to stretch and tone my bod. I'm reminded daily of how poorly I take care of that part of myself, and I'm hoping that some efforts towards that will yield tangible results.

Overall, lots of stress from work. Hoping to make some adjustments to make that easier. Other holiday related stresses that hopefully will dissipate now that we're coming out of it. Also trying to find ways to relax and be present in the world. And to meditate or at least to step outside the usual grind long enough to find some peace.

Coming up on 47 next month. Chugging along. :-)

How are things for you?

Today is another opportunity to be awesome. :-)

There are times when I allow myself to get wrapped up in things that can inevitably bring me down. Whether it's overdue housework, the fact that I'm a little behind on classwork. Money stuffs. Musical project progress. Musical practicing progress. Health issues. Other personal and shared situations. To say nothing of the world at large. Politics. etc etc etc.

There seem to be a lot more excuses to not be happy than there are to be happy.

But I think that is really a lie. It seems like it is a thing. A thing to not want to appear to be TOO happy. Shouldn't brag. Shouldn't talk up the happy part in my life. Might make someone feel bad. Someone with less, someone with greater problems, someone else might feel threatened or otherwise be upset with my happiness.

Why is that?

I actually have had one person in recent years become upset with my happiness. With the happiness of many of my friends. At least, that was what we were told.

Did I agree? Definitely not. But why? What about that person's allegations and assertions sat so outside of reality for me? Why did I think that this person was projecting their disappointment with their own life on us?

Are you happy? Do you tell me? If you do, or if I can see it, I am happy for you. It is a thing for ME. I like seeing happy people enjoying their bits of lives from as little as waking up one morning and not feeling like a zombie to hearing about grand planned-forever road-trips that happened. Little things, big things, and things in between. I appreciate and enjoy hearing about those.

I appreciate hearing about the not-so-good times too. I think for me it is a reminder that we are all human and that we all struggle.

I grew up in a very Us/Them environment. My parents both were subject to their own versions of racial/social bias and discrimination and it colored their view on things. Even though my sister and I grew up in a time and place where we did not face those same challenges, I know at least I had my experiences colored by my parents feelings and worries.

Over the years, I've worked to untangle a lot of that. I find it interesting that barring awareness, that it is really really easy to take the fear of being discriminated-against and turn it into its own flavor of discrimination. Add to that my introvertedness, and it is astoundingly easy to talk myself into a lot. Can't trust them. Can't take their word. Don't want to share. Shouldn't treat them well. Don't look them in the eye. Don't expect equity. Don't give. Don't love.

I'm happy to say that I realized early on that there was a problem with this. And though it was difficult to find support in it, I chipped away at some of it early, and more of it as I got older and found my own truths.

I think some of those voices will never really go away. I've learned to listen less, and to fight against them to be a better person. But not for the fact that I'm reminded how easy it would be to listen. Someday perhaps the fight will be less deliberate. I'm comforted by the fact that I often can sense when I'll hear from the voices and can cut them off at the proverbial pass. Helps some. Other times, I let them do their thing in my head and then step back and say to myself with greater expectation, "Are we done now?" Sometimes that helps too.

These things inside are things that threaten to bring me down too. And I think they are a lot harder than the external stuff to fight against. At least for me. Granted, the external stuff can make a hard situation worse. But the days when I'm at peace inside are days when I feel like I can do anything. And really, I can. As long as I have the wherewithal to know I'm on top, the rest is semantics.

No matter how fast the world turns or how messed up things get, I'm comforted by the fact that I have another opportunity to do better. It isn't license to allow myself to slack off. But it is motivation to keep moving forward. It is another opportunity to not do as well. But that is part of life. I can't fear failure. It is a part of the process of learning. And learning and growing are the only things that keep us whole.

So when I express that I'm happy and that things are going well, it is a sign that I am learning and growing and appreciating the direction of my life. It is an expression of love and of desire and of gratefulness. Sometimes it is a moment of exasperation at the fact that life sometimes will push me hard. And there as I set on the flat of my back, sometimes bruised and battered in the battle, looking back up at life, I can raise my finger up to it and say, "Fuck you! I'm coming back for you tomorrow!"

So I had planned that various things were going to shift a bit when RoM ended, though granted I hadn't necessarily planned on the most recent event. Thank you guys for the messages. We appreciate them a lot.

So along the lines of a shift, I'm looking to change the ride-the-waves concept I've been keeping for the last 10 months, and change it to a more aggressive hands-on concept.

Part of it is that I realize how much I've been pulling back from the social scene over the last many months, and having had the opportunity to make and be part of a new little community lately has reminded me that I need to step back out there. So I shall. :-)

It also means that I'll be oiling up the carousel and getting it spinning again. Too many things I miss that I need to pick back up. Including baking, more creative cooking, more movie going and watching, more off-the-wall technological projects, more book binding (and pictures of a certain big red book), more piano, more guitar, and more concert-going. And more just getting the hell out of the house and seeing people.

And I've finally come to realize that the space we have, when properly devoid of Mercury sets and props is not too horrible for entertaining. So I foresee a bit of that too. And given that we're not ready to buy just yet, I think we may hang out here just a tad longer. And if I go too much longer without inviting people over, I'm gonna go nuts. :-) So I may be dragging you IN as much as I may be seeing you out. :-)

Also health-wise, I'd admittedly let things slack, particularly over the last 2 months, so the goal is to work on that a bit too. A trip on the scale this morning was not nearly as disappointing as I had anticipated, which means pulling sugar out for both teeth and weight has helped (verified by the dentist this morning as well). Haven't eliminated it completely, but I have removed it from the significant sources. And a good jaunt on the elliptical Monday didn't kill me, even though it has been months since my last shuffle. That pleases me too.

And so it moves forward. :-)