glitch25: (no spoon)
Today is another opportunity to be awesome. :-)

There are times when I allow myself to get wrapped up in things that can inevitably bring me down. Whether it's overdue housework, the fact that I'm a little behind on classwork. Money stuffs. Musical project progress. Musical practicing progress. Health issues. Other personal and shared situations. To say nothing of the world at large. Politics. etc etc etc.

There seem to be a lot more excuses to not be happy than there are to be happy.

But I think that is really a lie. It seems like it is a thing. A thing to not want to appear to be TOO happy. Shouldn't brag. Shouldn't talk up the happy part in my life. Might make someone feel bad. Someone with less, someone with greater problems, someone else might feel threatened or otherwise be upset with my happiness.

Why is that?

I actually have had one person in recent years become upset with my happiness. With the happiness of many of my friends. At least, that was what we were told.

Did I agree? Definitely not. But why? What about that person's allegations and assertions sat so outside of reality for me? Why did I think that this person was projecting their disappointment with their own life on us?

Are you happy? Do you tell me? If you do, or if I can see it, I am happy for you. It is a thing for ME. I like seeing happy people enjoying their bits of lives from as little as waking up one morning and not feeling like a zombie to hearing about grand planned-forever road-trips that happened. Little things, big things, and things in between. I appreciate and enjoy hearing about those.

I appreciate hearing about the not-so-good times too. I think for me it is a reminder that we are all human and that we all struggle.

I grew up in a very Us/Them environment. My parents both were subject to their own versions of racial/social bias and discrimination and it colored their view on things. Even though my sister and I grew up in a time and place where we did not face those same challenges, I know at least I had my experiences colored by my parents feelings and worries.

Over the years, I've worked to untangle a lot of that. I find it interesting that barring awareness, that it is really really easy to take the fear of being discriminated-against and turn it into its own flavor of discrimination. Add to that my introvertedness, and it is astoundingly easy to talk myself into a lot. Can't trust them. Can't take their word. Don't want to share. Shouldn't treat them well. Don't look them in the eye. Don't expect equity. Don't give. Don't love.

I'm happy to say that I realized early on that there was a problem with this. And though it was difficult to find support in it, I chipped away at some of it early, and more of it as I got older and found my own truths.

I think some of those voices will never really go away. I've learned to listen less, and to fight against them to be a better person. But not for the fact that I'm reminded how easy it would be to listen. Someday perhaps the fight will be less deliberate. I'm comforted by the fact that I often can sense when I'll hear from the voices and can cut them off at the proverbial pass. Helps some. Other times, I let them do their thing in my head and then step back and say to myself with greater expectation, "Are we done now?" Sometimes that helps too.

These things inside are things that threaten to bring me down too. And I think they are a lot harder than the external stuff to fight against. At least for me. Granted, the external stuff can make a hard situation worse. But the days when I'm at peace inside are days when I feel like I can do anything. And really, I can. As long as I have the wherewithal to know I'm on top, the rest is semantics.

No matter how fast the world turns or how messed up things get, I'm comforted by the fact that I have another opportunity to do better. It isn't license to allow myself to slack off. But it is motivation to keep moving forward. It is another opportunity to not do as well. But that is part of life. I can't fear failure. It is a part of the process of learning. And learning and growing are the only things that keep us whole.

So when I express that I'm happy and that things are going well, it is a sign that I am learning and growing and appreciating the direction of my life. It is an expression of love and of desire and of gratefulness. Sometimes it is a moment of exasperation at the fact that life sometimes will push me hard. And there as I set on the flat of my back, sometimes bruised and battered in the battle, looking back up at life, I can raise my finger up to it and say, "Fuck you! I'm coming back for you tomorrow!"
glitch25: (no spoon)
One of the notions that comes to those of us who are a bit of control freaks is this need to mitigate risk. I sometimes find that I set myself up to deeply desire my plans to go as I wish, and a lot of times, those plans involve other people in some way. And while planning is good, I think me and those like me spend too much time trying to figure out how to deal with what might go wrong or what won't go to plan.

Life is a funny thing. It does what it does. While we can exert a lot of control over things, the more we do, the more we worry about what we can't control. And that worry is brutal.

While I often need reminders of this, I believe that life is best lived when we only nudge it here and there. We can choose our path, and we can walk on it, and we may get where we want to go, but the trip may not be what we expected. There is less stress and worry when we accept that we know we'll achieve our goals. It makes it much easier to tolerate detours, and really, detours are the spice of life. Facing them with grace and poise will feed us. Treating them not as distractions but as adventures will enrich us.

And then we can in turn share the love.
glitch25: (you can do it)
So I had planned that various things were going to shift a bit when RoM ended, though granted I hadn't necessarily planned on the most recent event. Thank you guys for the messages. We appreciate them a lot.

So along the lines of a shift, I'm looking to change the ride-the-waves concept I've been keeping for the last 10 months, and change it to a more aggressive hands-on concept.

Part of it is that I realize how much I've been pulling back from the social scene over the last many months, and having had the opportunity to make and be part of a new little community lately has reminded me that I need to step back out there. So I shall. :-)

It also means that I'll be oiling up the carousel and getting it spinning again. Too many things I miss that I need to pick back up. Including baking, more creative cooking, more movie going and watching, more off-the-wall technological projects, more book binding (and pictures of a certain big red book), more piano, more guitar, and more concert-going. And more just getting the hell out of the house and seeing people.

And I've finally come to realize that the space we have, when properly devoid of Mercury sets and props is not too horrible for entertaining. So I foresee a bit of that too. And given that we're not ready to buy just yet, I think we may hang out here just a tad longer. And if I go too much longer without inviting people over, I'm gonna go nuts. :-) So I may be dragging you IN as much as I may be seeing you out. :-)

Also health-wise, I'd admittedly let things slack, particularly over the last 2 months, so the goal is to work on that a bit too. A trip on the scale this morning was not nearly as disappointing as I had anticipated, which means pulling sugar out for both teeth and weight has helped (verified by the dentist this morning as well). Haven't eliminated it completely, but I have removed it from the significant sources. And a good jaunt on the elliptical Monday didn't kill me, even though it has been months since my last shuffle. That pleases me too.

And so it moves forward. :-)

September 2017

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