Waiting and waiting and waiting

[glitch25]

I've discovered something about myself...

I spend a lot of time waiting. Deliberately...

I think as a consequence of the fact that I'm introverted, I have for most of my life pinned a lot of importance on consideration of others and the inclusion of others in lots of things I do, and in many ways, over my own considerations and inclusion, and definitely to my own detriment.

I wait to do certain activities because I don't always want to be the one to initiate the process, or I don't want to do the activity alone.

I wait for approval..

I wait for things to change..

I wait for input...

I wait for a sign that I'm not having to resign myself to fending entirely for myself.

Part of understanding the issue with that waiting has also revealed the understanding that I am waiting in a self-imposed vacuum. What I mean by that is that, again probably tied to my tendency to be introverted, I shy away from leading the charge and inviting folks along. Instead I tend to wait around and have very non-committal conversations about things that "should" happen that I then don't follow up with a definitive action plan like, "Hey, let's do this thing NOW" or "Let's get this one the calendar for this date" or even "Can you find time for me in your schedule to do this thing with me?"

The lack of that realization until recently has meant a lot of frustration, longing, and sometimes loss, and I've put a lot of that outwardly when in fact, I'm the primary cause. It has lead to me being frustrated that I've felt that folks weren't willing to follow through or show initiative, which is ironic considering that initiative and follow-through on my part would solve most of those situations.

I know there is a part too that feels like I don't want to always be the one taking the initiative or being the leader. And I think there are legitimate situations where that may apply, but I don't know that it is fair to use that as a reason to be discouraged. Especially when I can see definitively the difference that happens when I "take a chance" and do the legwork.

I've been finding this month to be the beginning of my Spring cleaning, and I have been contemplating how to adjust some of these expectations and how to feel more satisfied with myself and my life, and there has been a lot of introspection about things that keep me from being happy, and trying to understand what I can do to improve these things.

I found that since last summer, I had put a lot of things on hold in order to cope with the enormous amount of change that occurred for me, and I fell into a "survival mode" of sorts in order to just keep moving. I've been taking stock of where I am and the nature of all those changes and trying to find ways to improve my situation and feel like I'm less at the mercy of the random stray breeze.

It feels good to have some change that I am initiating rather than only coping with change that comes towards me.

I know that change will be a slow process in some cases, since recognition is only the first step, but I know what I need to do.

And I'm not going to be waiting as much any more.

Comments

[jela]

I, too, am often hesitant to start something.
To ask: Do you want to hang out?
To pick up the phone and call someone.
At conventions, to ask if someone wants to have lunch with me.
And so I think no one wants to do something with me.

With you guys I am a bit better as I can initiate group activities. (And next time we shall actually do the thing!)

I wish you the best of luck and a mound of patience with the change!

[mlerules]

Good realization to have had. Best wishes in taking steps here forward!