glitch25: (no spoon)
Today is another opportunity to be awesome. :-)

There are times when I allow myself to get wrapped up in things that can inevitably bring me down. Whether it's overdue housework, the fact that I'm a little behind on classwork. Money stuffs. Musical project progress. Musical practicing progress. Health issues. Other personal and shared situations. To say nothing of the world at large. Politics. etc etc etc.

There seem to be a lot more excuses to not be happy than there are to be happy.

But I think that is really a lie. It seems like it is a thing. A thing to not want to appear to be TOO happy. Shouldn't brag. Shouldn't talk up the happy part in my life. Might make someone feel bad. Someone with less, someone with greater problems, someone else might feel threatened or otherwise be upset with my happiness.

Why is that?

I actually have had one person in recent years become upset with my happiness. With the happiness of many of my friends. At least, that was what we were told.

Did I agree? Definitely not. But why? What about that person's allegations and assertions sat so outside of reality for me? Why did I think that this person was projecting their disappointment with their own life on us?

Are you happy? Do you tell me? If you do, or if I can see it, I am happy for you. It is a thing for ME. I like seeing happy people enjoying their bits of lives from as little as waking up one morning and not feeling like a zombie to hearing about grand planned-forever road-trips that happened. Little things, big things, and things in between. I appreciate and enjoy hearing about those.

I appreciate hearing about the not-so-good times too. I think for me it is a reminder that we are all human and that we all struggle.

I grew up in a very Us/Them environment. My parents both were subject to their own versions of racial/social bias and discrimination and it colored their view on things. Even though my sister and I grew up in a time and place where we did not face those same challenges, I know at least I had my experiences colored by my parents feelings and worries.

Over the years, I've worked to untangle a lot of that. I find it interesting that barring awareness, that it is really really easy to take the fear of being discriminated-against and turn it into its own flavor of discrimination. Add to that my introvertedness, and it is astoundingly easy to talk myself into a lot. Can't trust them. Can't take their word. Don't want to share. Shouldn't treat them well. Don't look them in the eye. Don't expect equity. Don't give. Don't love.

I'm happy to say that I realized early on that there was a problem with this. And though it was difficult to find support in it, I chipped away at some of it early, and more of it as I got older and found my own truths.

I think some of those voices will never really go away. I've learned to listen less, and to fight against them to be a better person. But not for the fact that I'm reminded how easy it would be to listen. Someday perhaps the fight will be less deliberate. I'm comforted by the fact that I often can sense when I'll hear from the voices and can cut them off at the proverbial pass. Helps some. Other times, I let them do their thing in my head and then step back and say to myself with greater expectation, "Are we done now?" Sometimes that helps too.

These things inside are things that threaten to bring me down too. And I think they are a lot harder than the external stuff to fight against. At least for me. Granted, the external stuff can make a hard situation worse. But the days when I'm at peace inside are days when I feel like I can do anything. And really, I can. As long as I have the wherewithal to know I'm on top, the rest is semantics.

No matter how fast the world turns or how messed up things get, I'm comforted by the fact that I have another opportunity to do better. It isn't license to allow myself to slack off. But it is motivation to keep moving forward. It is another opportunity to not do as well. But that is part of life. I can't fear failure. It is a part of the process of learning. And learning and growing are the only things that keep us whole.

So when I express that I'm happy and that things are going well, it is a sign that I am learning and growing and appreciating the direction of my life. It is an expression of love and of desire and of gratefulness. Sometimes it is a moment of exasperation at the fact that life sometimes will push me hard. And there as I set on the flat of my back, sometimes bruised and battered in the battle, looking back up at life, I can raise my finger up to it and say, "Fuck you! I'm coming back for you tomorrow!"
glitch25: (jimmy)
It's interesting how the brain works. Mine anyways.. :-)

There are days that.. for various apparent reasons, I get caught into a weird negative emotional feedback loop, and what started as something not that big a deal can totally derail a whole day. It colors the mood and tone of the remainder of the day, and it is exhausting dealing with it.

And of course one negative thought begets another... And another... and before you know it, you're buried under a big pile of self-created crap.

It isn't impossible to stop the process of this spiral. Though I think the biggest step towards achieving it is recognizing you're caught in it. Being vigilant about self-analyzation and taking the time to stop one's self and say, "Hey... what is the deal with me feeling so frustrated?" Learning to do that in a timely manner seems to help. Letting it go instead and allowing it to manifest in ways that start impacting other people before we get a chance to find that stopping point seem to be less ideal. Because then you've potentially transferred your crap to someone else. And possibly started the turn on their own spiral.

While I do believe everybody should take responsibility and ownership of their own emotions and crap, I still feel it is important to do what we can to treat everyone the best we can. And we can't do that if we're caught under the fog of our own negative emotions. I should know. I've been guilty more times than I care to admit of allowing my inability to find that stopping point create a situation where I choose to be rude and disrespectful to someone. And that's just not cool.

Finding a way to re-spin things can be difficult too. I think the successes there ultimately come from categorically analyzing my reasonings for my feelings. Deciding where the cutoff lay for why I should or shouldn't feel negatively, and then peeling back the emotion itself until either I realize I'm not justified for it, or, in the case where I might be, formulating a level-headed plan that gives me the opportunity to re-direct the negative energy into something more productive, and hopefully let go of the bulk of the negativity.

Even just going through that process, where I might have a pre-conceived idea of how things should go, I can dig deeper and determine what my motivations are for my desired actions, and ensure that they maintain my best interests and are not just an emotional response to my less-than-ideal state of mind.

By staying on top of my feelings and actions, I have greater opportunities for continuing the loving relationships I have with those around me.. And ultimately, with myself. It isn't always easy. But it is definitely worth it.

September 2017

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