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Jul. 26th, 2021 07:19 pm I keep coming around to peek at what other people are posting, but I just never seem to have the motivation to post myself. Not entirely sure why. Not for lack of things to say. Maybe just not up for the mental processing or re-processing of things.
Since before the pandemic, my general motivation and energy towards doing more than the minimums to make it through my days and weeks has been slim. I think it started from a job loss to a great, but energy consuming show that I was in, while simultaneously moving and landing a new job. Generally recovery from the shows I was doing take months. And this time around, I wasn't in the black with regards to energy as it was. No fault there. Just interesting timing. Show was great, and I'm glad I got to participate. But it ultimately meant that I was on a bit of forced auto-pilot for almost a year after. The new job came with challenges.. the least of which was a long commute after the move. And the move also came with challenges including big changes in space and space functionality and even just with trying to cope with being in a new area. I hadn't lived in Seattle before, and it has taken getting used to compared to the suburban neighborhoods I lived in on the East side.
Lots of good things came with all of this. The job and the living arrangements have allowed me to pay off bills and work on my savings. Being in Seattle has giving me easier access to a lot of things. And I've learned, much to my chagrin, that I do appreciate living with people and that having a familial unit is a good thing for a lot of reasons.
Right as I was finally starting to get my head above water with things, the pandemic hit. Working for a hospital, I have never been more intimately aware of people in my space and the anxiety and frustration of having to turn a lot of my life upside down to accommodate safety and sanity. There have been new habits that are going to take a long time to break. And I also discovered by my own self-isolation that my need for human contact is even much less than I once thought. I don't know if that is a good thing. But it is something I discovered in this process.
There have a been a lot of coping strategies. Some reasonable and some maybe not as much. No long term damage from the coping. Jury still out on the cause for the need to cope.
Ultimately, it doesn't feel like we're really over yet. We've been depending on the vaccine to let us lower the restrictions a little bit and enjoy the company of good friends and family. I think for me, the sentiment is that I've done a lot of what I can, and I cannot control the behavior of those around me. And as much as I'd like to trust people, it isn't very realistic. So I depend on the vaccine for the fact that when one of us does get infected, that we'll be better able to weather the results. That said, we're still careful and mindful as best we can be.
Some 4 years ago, I remember professing that as we saw more of the emboldened being visible at the leadership of a man who craved their attention, that it was good that they were making themselves more visible for the sake that it was easier to deal with them if we could see them. I don't know that I was necessarily wrong in that, but I'm truly tired. My thoughts towards them lean less towards the thoughts I should have with the privilege of living in a society. I try not to feel too guilty about that. But it does mean I spend more time being angry than finding ways to assist or enact change. More to unwind later, I suspect.
Anyways. These are the things I find that pull at me as I make my way through my days. Part of my goals this year have been to find things that bring some measure of happiness or pleasure or feeling of accomplishment (and yay for all 3 if I can manage it) to strive towards. Both for my mental health and for my ability to keep moving forward and facing the things we must continue to face. I've had mixed success, but it has been a useful process and the good things are outweighing most days.
More to come soon. I should note down some of those things I've been doing that have been bringing happiness, pleasure, and accomplishment!
Hope you all are doing ok. It's ok if you aren't. Life is rough lately, and it may stay that way for a while. You are not alone. Just know that I think about you and that it is not only good that you stay, but that you are wanted and needed.
Since before the pandemic, my general motivation and energy towards doing more than the minimums to make it through my days and weeks has been slim. I think it started from a job loss to a great, but energy consuming show that I was in, while simultaneously moving and landing a new job. Generally recovery from the shows I was doing take months. And this time around, I wasn't in the black with regards to energy as it was. No fault there. Just interesting timing. Show was great, and I'm glad I got to participate. But it ultimately meant that I was on a bit of forced auto-pilot for almost a year after. The new job came with challenges.. the least of which was a long commute after the move. And the move also came with challenges including big changes in space and space functionality and even just with trying to cope with being in a new area. I hadn't lived in Seattle before, and it has taken getting used to compared to the suburban neighborhoods I lived in on the East side.
Lots of good things came with all of this. The job and the living arrangements have allowed me to pay off bills and work on my savings. Being in Seattle has giving me easier access to a lot of things. And I've learned, much to my chagrin, that I do appreciate living with people and that having a familial unit is a good thing for a lot of reasons.
Right as I was finally starting to get my head above water with things, the pandemic hit. Working for a hospital, I have never been more intimately aware of people in my space and the anxiety and frustration of having to turn a lot of my life upside down to accommodate safety and sanity. There have been new habits that are going to take a long time to break. And I also discovered by my own self-isolation that my need for human contact is even much less than I once thought. I don't know if that is a good thing. But it is something I discovered in this process.
There have a been a lot of coping strategies. Some reasonable and some maybe not as much. No long term damage from the coping. Jury still out on the cause for the need to cope.
Ultimately, it doesn't feel like we're really over yet. We've been depending on the vaccine to let us lower the restrictions a little bit and enjoy the company of good friends and family. I think for me, the sentiment is that I've done a lot of what I can, and I cannot control the behavior of those around me. And as much as I'd like to trust people, it isn't very realistic. So I depend on the vaccine for the fact that when one of us does get infected, that we'll be better able to weather the results. That said, we're still careful and mindful as best we can be.
Some 4 years ago, I remember professing that as we saw more of the emboldened being visible at the leadership of a man who craved their attention, that it was good that they were making themselves more visible for the sake that it was easier to deal with them if we could see them. I don't know that I was necessarily wrong in that, but I'm truly tired. My thoughts towards them lean less towards the thoughts I should have with the privilege of living in a society. I try not to feel too guilty about that. But it does mean I spend more time being angry than finding ways to assist or enact change. More to unwind later, I suspect.
Anyways. These are the things I find that pull at me as I make my way through my days. Part of my goals this year have been to find things that bring some measure of happiness or pleasure or feeling of accomplishment (and yay for all 3 if I can manage it) to strive towards. Both for my mental health and for my ability to keep moving forward and facing the things we must continue to face. I've had mixed success, but it has been a useful process and the good things are outweighing most days.
More to come soon. I should note down some of those things I've been doing that have been bringing happiness, pleasure, and accomplishment!
Hope you all are doing ok. It's ok if you aren't. Life is rough lately, and it may stay that way for a while. You are not alone. Just know that I think about you and that it is not only good that you stay, but that you are wanted and needed.
