(no subject)
Jan. 13th, 2019 07:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
glitch25As I ponder through my depression and anxieties, and I find ways to unlock the bits that have always been tucked away, I become aware of my brain, and the harm that my commonly normal state of being does to me.
I expend an enormous amount of energy dealing with all sorts of not great thoughts about all sorts of things. There are days I feel accomplished in that I managed not to take action on the relentlessness of my brain's agenda.
One of my focus points that has been helping a little is trying very hard to keep in mind the idea of giving others in my life the benefit of the doubt and assuming good intent about anything and everything.
That has not been an easy place for me to find ever in my life, much less now that I'm dealing with depression and anxiety.
I find that I can take the most of innocuous situations and my brain will find every possible way to twist it negatively and to whisper in my ear thoughts of betrayal or of malice or sometimes just of disregard. It is really difficult some days to not be affected by it when it is near constant. And given that it is often about those around me, it is difficult not to let that then affect those whom I care about.
Trying to find and give kindness has become a bit of a crucial way of existing in the world these days. So much is wanting to push us to the edge. To make it seem like we're bombarded by this endless barrage of harm. In some cases, it is true... and in some cases, it really isn't. Some days it is hard to piece it out. It is why I tried unplugging from news and stuff. I can't keep myself away from it long, but I'm trying to distance myself from a lot of it if I can.
I think some days I find fortune in a certain lack of emotional connection with the world. I suspect if I were more emotionally aware, the guilt of my brain and its antics would be overwhelming. As it is, I am only really starting to grasp just how destructive things have been and how much I need to fight to make things better.
So kindness is kinda everything. I'm still kinda bad at it, but I keep pushing.. I keep trying to hold myself up to the bar that I've set. And I try to be kind to myself in my struggles knowing that there will be days when the best I can possibly do is to just step back for a bit and disengage.
The alternative is that I lose everything that means anything to me.
I expend an enormous amount of energy dealing with all sorts of not great thoughts about all sorts of things. There are days I feel accomplished in that I managed not to take action on the relentlessness of my brain's agenda.
One of my focus points that has been helping a little is trying very hard to keep in mind the idea of giving others in my life the benefit of the doubt and assuming good intent about anything and everything.
That has not been an easy place for me to find ever in my life, much less now that I'm dealing with depression and anxiety.
I find that I can take the most of innocuous situations and my brain will find every possible way to twist it negatively and to whisper in my ear thoughts of betrayal or of malice or sometimes just of disregard. It is really difficult some days to not be affected by it when it is near constant. And given that it is often about those around me, it is difficult not to let that then affect those whom I care about.
Trying to find and give kindness has become a bit of a crucial way of existing in the world these days. So much is wanting to push us to the edge. To make it seem like we're bombarded by this endless barrage of harm. In some cases, it is true... and in some cases, it really isn't. Some days it is hard to piece it out. It is why I tried unplugging from news and stuff. I can't keep myself away from it long, but I'm trying to distance myself from a lot of it if I can.
I think some days I find fortune in a certain lack of emotional connection with the world. I suspect if I were more emotionally aware, the guilt of my brain and its antics would be overwhelming. As it is, I am only really starting to grasp just how destructive things have been and how much I need to fight to make things better.
So kindness is kinda everything. I'm still kinda bad at it, but I keep pushing.. I keep trying to hold myself up to the bar that I've set. And I try to be kind to myself in my struggles knowing that there will be days when the best I can possibly do is to just step back for a bit and disengage.
The alternative is that I lose everything that means anything to me.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-15 07:41 am (UTC)Feeling accomplished vis-a-vis this seems like a positive step, in large part because you're realizing it enough to avoid following through/falling into traps. Increased self-awareness can help, and as you note, increased feeling/emotional connections can overwhelm. Disengagement can help.
Huzzah for this: "...giving others in my life the benefit of the doubt and assuming good intent about anything and everything." Especially in rships, this approach helps lots. May writing it down help you remember it (and act accordingly)!
Yeah, losing everything dear to you ain't good, so best wishes working on what's needful to avoid that.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-15 10:58 am (UTC)One thing that changed a lot for me was when my therapist asked me to remember an especially painful moment where I felt left alone and abandoned (as one of my major fears is that everyone will turn away from me).
When I was in that emotional state again she asked me what I would have needed then to feel better.
She asked if I could do that for myself now or if she should „step in“.
I did it myself, providing comfort and support for the hurting child inside.
This was... amazing.
Now, when I am beating myself up for not doing as I should, I need some time but remember to not criticize me, but give me what I need. Comfort and support. I tell myself that it is okay to not always do everything the way you wanted. I tell myself that this does not make me a bad person, it just shows that I am currently hurting.
And then I do something nice for me.
This puts me in a much better state to care for me and others than berating myself would.
But man, is it hard to shut up that nagging voice that always, always tries to put you down...