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Nov. 24th, 2015 02:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
glitch25I don't know if it's been with the coming of the holidays in particular, or just a combination of things I've been taking note of lately, but I've really been working through feelings with the idea of appreciating the things that mean something and have positive connotation in relation to my parents.
While things got to a point where I no longer want my parents in my life these days, I did grow up with them, and they did have positive influences in addition to the negative things. Not everything was bad. I have some good memories and some appreciation for influences and some encouragements.
I think what makes it difficult for me is that unlike if I had lost my parents to death, they are both very much alive. It is difficult to balance the desire to be grateful with the idea that I ultimately don't feel an obligation to share that thankfulness with them.
It's been part of the mourning process that I've gone through in the past few years, and I battle with the feelings of navigating things like this.
Reaching out to them is not really a useful option in either case for a variety of reasons. But I do still feel a desire to honor the memory of that good time.
Part of that is coming to grips that there are layers and levels of feelings and that I can feel good about parts of my past and relationship to my parents and still hold to the reasons for my recent decisions.
I think the impulse is to say, "Burn it all!!" But that isn't very realistic. No matter what came of things these days, they were still a strong influence on my life which includes good things and trying to either deny that or push that into a corner or a mental box is more taxing than accepting it.
In some ways, I've been rediscovering my childhood and making peace with parts of it. It's been good. And it has felt better to be able to look at how some of those early influences helped point me in directions that brought good things to my life, and to find the willingness and humility to give credit to my parents for those things.
Still a work in progress as so many things are, but this thinky work has gone a long way to bring me some peace and good perspective.
While things got to a point where I no longer want my parents in my life these days, I did grow up with them, and they did have positive influences in addition to the negative things. Not everything was bad. I have some good memories and some appreciation for influences and some encouragements.
I think what makes it difficult for me is that unlike if I had lost my parents to death, they are both very much alive. It is difficult to balance the desire to be grateful with the idea that I ultimately don't feel an obligation to share that thankfulness with them.
It's been part of the mourning process that I've gone through in the past few years, and I battle with the feelings of navigating things like this.
Reaching out to them is not really a useful option in either case for a variety of reasons. But I do still feel a desire to honor the memory of that good time.
Part of that is coming to grips that there are layers and levels of feelings and that I can feel good about parts of my past and relationship to my parents and still hold to the reasons for my recent decisions.
I think the impulse is to say, "Burn it all!!" But that isn't very realistic. No matter what came of things these days, they were still a strong influence on my life which includes good things and trying to either deny that or push that into a corner or a mental box is more taxing than accepting it.
In some ways, I've been rediscovering my childhood and making peace with parts of it. It's been good. And it has felt better to be able to look at how some of those early influences helped point me in directions that brought good things to my life, and to find the willingness and humility to give credit to my parents for those things.
Still a work in progress as so many things are, but this thinky work has gone a long way to bring me some peace and good perspective.