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Things Can Only Get Better
Jan. 15th, 2018 11:35 amOr so sayeth Howard Jones. :-)
Not even sure where to start on this one other than to say that this has been one of the most sideways holiday seasons I've had in a long long time.
I suppose I should step back with a bit of an explanation. A long step back...
When I was small, the latter year holidays were a wonder and a delight for me. But oddly enough, after all these years, I don't remember the happiness of it being about people. Not specifically. And I don't mean so much that the happiness was especially about things. I think it was that I was taking refuge in my own world to escape the things that were definitely not happy. My happy times were not about moments with family or things of that nature. Most of them were about the ritual of the holidays. The getting ready.. the parts and pieces. The anticipation. And the later change back to the day to day. This left me rather sentimental about parts of those rituals and this is where certain "things" played a role.
Later, as I attempted to evolve my own traditions and life, I discovered that there were plenty of people who could not compartmentalize things the way my small child brain could.. and as a result, these holidays in some cases were extremely uncomfortable and painful reminders of how things were not good. Many of those folks were people that were dear to me, and as a result, it was difficult to be excited for the ritual and for the holiday when those close to me experienced great pain at it. I remember doing my own little thing, but I deliberately didn't go as big as my heart wanted to go.. since I was torn with loving those close to me whom had had such a difficult time.
It wasn't until somewhat recently that I was around people for whom the holidays held similar excitement as mine, and I finally was able to spread my proverbial wings and regain the joy and wonder I held from so long ago. And I was fortunate that due to this compartmentalization, I was able to take back these holidays for myself that in so many ways were not good when I was growing up. I find myself extremely grateful for that.
This last year... however... has been so much more difficult.
The political climate didn't help. But I really don't think that was the driving force. There were so many other things. Relationship changes topped the list. Most good, most inevitable, but still... difficult in their own ways. Change is rough. And it is clear that in some ways, we're only just starting. Loved ones having other difficult times due to work or other things at home. Work for me and others has been challenging and draining. Life just seems difficult. Everybody seems exhausted. Not just physically. But emotionally. Spiritually.
It felt like I was at the end of a very long marathon and as the end of 2017 creeped up, it was like I stumbled across the finish line only to realize that all this pain and exhaustion were for naught. That wasn't the finish line. The race isn't over. Not even sure we're halfway there. So much more to go.. so much more to do.
We got the Christmas tree up this last year. I feel very fortunate for that. I think one of the few moments of solace I had through these holidays was wandering out into the living room either late at night or early in the morning when it was otherwise dark and getting to see the golden glow of the tree lit up and knowing that for all that was so hard, at least we did that.
We have lots of decorations. Most of them went undone. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd say it was no spoons, but it was so. much. more. I did manage to get my German Advent Calendar up, and I opened a handful of doors as the month of December progressed, but even that fell to the wayside.
That calendar is one of those "things". I remember when I got that calendar as a child, and during Christmas time, it lived in my room, and every morning, Mom would come in and help me open the day's door. I loved that poor thing until the doors started falling off. As you might imagine, when I found a German company that was making re-prints, I snapped up TWO so that I'd have it with me for as long as I wanted. And from the moment I got them, one went up every year since, and I've taken the same joy and excitement in opening each and every door as we progressed to Christmas Day.
That was one of the things that told me this year was different. That was a hard thing to know.
Twenty-Eighteen feels nebulous. I'm having a hard time wanting to put faith in the good of anything at the moment. So many unknowns.. So much still to push through. And yet life keeps rolling. So many things in motion moving to good places. Lots to be grateful for. Lots of good things coming.
Living day to day is not my favorite thing to do. It kinda goes against who I have been as a person for so long. But it feels like I've reached the point where to stay in the race requires that I figure it out. Lots to lose if I can't figure it out. And other things to lose when I do figure it out. More mourning to come in one fashion or another. Hopefully towards a better place in the end. Kinda hard to say today. It is a reminder that since my faith of a better future has faltered that I gotta find other ways to keep myself moving forward. Even if some days, it is no better than going through the motions.
"We're not scared to lose it all security throw through the wall
Future dreams we have to realize
A thousand skeptic hands won't keep us from the things we plan
Unless we're clinging to the things we prize
And do you feel scared, I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better"
Not even sure where to start on this one other than to say that this has been one of the most sideways holiday seasons I've had in a long long time.
I suppose I should step back with a bit of an explanation. A long step back...
When I was small, the latter year holidays were a wonder and a delight for me. But oddly enough, after all these years, I don't remember the happiness of it being about people. Not specifically. And I don't mean so much that the happiness was especially about things. I think it was that I was taking refuge in my own world to escape the things that were definitely not happy. My happy times were not about moments with family or things of that nature. Most of them were about the ritual of the holidays. The getting ready.. the parts and pieces. The anticipation. And the later change back to the day to day. This left me rather sentimental about parts of those rituals and this is where certain "things" played a role.
Later, as I attempted to evolve my own traditions and life, I discovered that there were plenty of people who could not compartmentalize things the way my small child brain could.. and as a result, these holidays in some cases were extremely uncomfortable and painful reminders of how things were not good. Many of those folks were people that were dear to me, and as a result, it was difficult to be excited for the ritual and for the holiday when those close to me experienced great pain at it. I remember doing my own little thing, but I deliberately didn't go as big as my heart wanted to go.. since I was torn with loving those close to me whom had had such a difficult time.
It wasn't until somewhat recently that I was around people for whom the holidays held similar excitement as mine, and I finally was able to spread my proverbial wings and regain the joy and wonder I held from so long ago. And I was fortunate that due to this compartmentalization, I was able to take back these holidays for myself that in so many ways were not good when I was growing up. I find myself extremely grateful for that.
This last year... however... has been so much more difficult.
The political climate didn't help. But I really don't think that was the driving force. There were so many other things. Relationship changes topped the list. Most good, most inevitable, but still... difficult in their own ways. Change is rough. And it is clear that in some ways, we're only just starting. Loved ones having other difficult times due to work or other things at home. Work for me and others has been challenging and draining. Life just seems difficult. Everybody seems exhausted. Not just physically. But emotionally. Spiritually.
It felt like I was at the end of a very long marathon and as the end of 2017 creeped up, it was like I stumbled across the finish line only to realize that all this pain and exhaustion were for naught. That wasn't the finish line. The race isn't over. Not even sure we're halfway there. So much more to go.. so much more to do.
We got the Christmas tree up this last year. I feel very fortunate for that. I think one of the few moments of solace I had through these holidays was wandering out into the living room either late at night or early in the morning when it was otherwise dark and getting to see the golden glow of the tree lit up and knowing that for all that was so hard, at least we did that.
We have lots of decorations. Most of them went undone. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd say it was no spoons, but it was so. much. more. I did manage to get my German Advent Calendar up, and I opened a handful of doors as the month of December progressed, but even that fell to the wayside.
That calendar is one of those "things". I remember when I got that calendar as a child, and during Christmas time, it lived in my room, and every morning, Mom would come in and help me open the day's door. I loved that poor thing until the doors started falling off. As you might imagine, when I found a German company that was making re-prints, I snapped up TWO so that I'd have it with me for as long as I wanted. And from the moment I got them, one went up every year since, and I've taken the same joy and excitement in opening each and every door as we progressed to Christmas Day.
That was one of the things that told me this year was different. That was a hard thing to know.
Twenty-Eighteen feels nebulous. I'm having a hard time wanting to put faith in the good of anything at the moment. So many unknowns.. So much still to push through. And yet life keeps rolling. So many things in motion moving to good places. Lots to be grateful for. Lots of good things coming.
Living day to day is not my favorite thing to do. It kinda goes against who I have been as a person for so long. But it feels like I've reached the point where to stay in the race requires that I figure it out. Lots to lose if I can't figure it out. And other things to lose when I do figure it out. More mourning to come in one fashion or another. Hopefully towards a better place in the end. Kinda hard to say today. It is a reminder that since my faith of a better future has faltered that I gotta find other ways to keep myself moving forward. Even if some days, it is no better than going through the motions.
"We're not scared to lose it all security throw through the wall
Future dreams we have to realize
A thousand skeptic hands won't keep us from the things we plan
Unless we're clinging to the things we prize
And do you feel scared, I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better"